Regret
by June.Louise
Summary: Seth's thoughts during episode 321, The Dawn Patrol.


**Wrote this today on a whim, when I should have been studying. Serious procrastination. Although at least something came out of it. Another SS one-shot. Seth's thoughts during episode 321, The Dawn Patrol. Please read and review!**

Regret

I walk down the hallway, fallowing the path someone's made. I'm sure it's Taylor since Summer doesn't go overboard like this. Somehow I know that this is going to be bad, I just don't know how. Then I get it, as I see that sign.

Kisses $10.

The coffee cart, no. Don't make me do it, Summer. This is our place. It's the place where you made me so happy, the place where you announced to the world that you wanted to be with me. Don't make me ruin it for us.

I hate to see you like this. You're hurt. And vulnerable. I love you so much and I want nothing more than to take you in my arms and let all your pain go away. But I can't do that.

You were never someone to believe in yourself when it came to school, or that you could accomplish something besides putting the perfect outfit together or throwing a fantastic party. You were always smart though. I knew that. I knew that no one could banter with me like you and not be smart. So that I always knew. I just never knew that you wanted to go to Brown, that you wanted to do something more than become a newpsie. Or that you could.

I was ashamed when I noticed how hurt you became, when I didn't like how you had a better SAT score than me. I mean, why would I want you to be less smart or less of anything? I should want you to do well, and be great. I should have been proud of you. Instead I made us fight. I was stubborn. Almost as stubborn as you can be. But in the end, things felt good. It felt like we could be great together, you know? We could go to Brown together and be with each other.

Then it happened. The one thing that ruined it all.

I wasn't good enough. I wasn't chosen. As much as just that fact was hurtful for my pride, it hurt more to know that if I told you, you would abandon Brown. You would turn one of the best schools in the country down. And you'd do it for me.

To be with me.

Once, that would have been my ultimate dream. To have you prove your love for me by doing some big gesture like that. But I couldn't let you do it. Because now I know you better than anyone, and according to me I love you more than anyone. And you are great. You are awesome and fantastic and wonderful. And smart. So I know that if you go to Brown you will be able to do great things. You deserve this for yourself. It's a big opportunity and I can't let you throw it away.

I am proud of you. So, so proud. I wish I could tell you that. I wish I could tell you everything.

Summer, I hate myself for saying it. Saying that I don't love you. Out of all the lies I've ever told you this one was the hardest by far. The less true. The most false. And I believe, the most hurtful.

Hearing myself utter those words felt strange. I still can't believe I was able to do it. That look on your face made my heart ache. I hated myself so much for hurting you like that.

As you stood on the coffee cart you looked hopeful. And I knew why. Of course my break up missed a key ingredient. It missed all of the ingredients. Because it wasn't what I really wanted, what my heart wanted. It was what you needed.

I always told you how I never would stop loving you, and I meant that. I always wanted you to know how special you are, how you were undeniable for me. Now I ruined that trust, when I broke all my promises to you. I crushed us. I did it for you though. Even though it doesn't look like it at all.

I almost took it back when I saw the look on your face, when you climbed down the coffee cart and I saw the tears well up in your eyes. I haven't seen you cry a lot. You never wanted me to see you cry. A few times I did though and a few times you let me comfort you. I always felt terrible seeing you cry, it always hurt inside of me to see you sad. Nothing like now though, knowing I had caused your tears.

You screamed at me to go and I heard your voice break. I knew this time you didn't want me to see you cry. So I left. I looked back though, before I went around the corner, and I saw you again. I saw you sit down and I saw Taylor try to comfort you. Of course you didn't let her though. You wanted to be alone. You wanted to go home and cry in your room alone. I know you did.

So I felt even more awful as I sat in detention and saw you enter through the door. You were trying to hold it together. I wanted to be able to tell you to skip detention and go home. But I couldn't. I just sat there and saw you go to your seat, as far away from mine as possible. My head and heart hurt and I felt my eyes water. I couldn't believe what I had done.

My eyes hurt from crying. I have locked my bedroom door and put on music so that no one will come inside. I can't tell anyone. If I can't tell Summer, I can't tell anyone. I knew that it would hurt, just not like this. I love her and I miss her and I hurt.

Summer, I wonder if you are in your room as well. You are consuming my thoughts.

I try to tell myself that I did the right thing. I repeat the arguments in my head. I can't hold you back. This is an opportunity of a lifetime. You deserve this for you. Somehow it doesn't seem as great anymore.

What happened to being with the one you love? Is school and what job you have and a career most important? More important than love and creating a life with someone you love. Are you going to find someone else at Brown?

I don't want anyone else to have you, Summer. I don't want anyone else be the one to make you laugh, to receive that precious smile you have for me. Summer. My Summer. I want you to be mine still.

What if I go to Providence with you? I can go to another school. I don't care what school. As long as I can be near you, still be yours. Please, don't be too late. I can't let you think that I don't love you, that I can ever stop loving you. Forgive me, Summer. Please, forgive me.

I don't know how I got here, or if I'm supposed to be here. But here I am. Outside of Summer's house. I don't know if I deserve to be here, to beg for her forgiveness.

It had all seemed like such a good idea, but the last couple of hours it hasn't felt good at all. It has felt horrible. Stop. Don't feel sorry for yourself. Don't be like that. I have to stop with this self-centered thing. Summer always tells me that. And she's probably feeling a lot worse than I am.

I need to let her know that I still love her with all my heart. I need her to know how amazing she is, how proud I am of her and how sincerely sorry I am. This has to be the best apology because I have never done anything as horrible as this.

As I walk up the steps to the front door, I actually hold my breath, something that I notice opening the door and almost choking for air. I don't have time to ring the bell and wait for an answer. I need to see her right now.

I just take a quick glance around the entrance hall, checking if Dr. Roberts is lurking somewhere. I always was afraid of that man, and seeing how I now have hurt his daughter more than I ever have before, I'm sure I'm not popular in this house.

This is worse that leaving her that summer, I think. It feels worse. I did love her that summer, and also hated myself for leaving. But now our relationship and our feelings are far deeper. We were starting to talk about the future, and planning our lives together. She loves me now. Or loved me. I'm not sure how she feels in this moment. Probably more hate than love. But still. For me, telling her I don't love her and don't want to be with her when she's clearly said that she loves me and want to be with me forever and I've believed her… No, nothing could be worse.

Hence, I need to apologize. I am a master of apologizing, I must admit that I really am. Now though, as I approach her room, I feel more nervous and scared that ever before. What if I ruined everything? For real this time. What if she doesn't want to give me another chance, if she doesn't have any more chances?

Summer is a very forgiving person, even if she doesn't appear so to most people. But I know. I've received her forgiveness more times than I can count. I'm such a screw-up, and most times I don't understand how she can find it in herself to forgive me. A lot of times I've taken that for granted and I've screwed up more than I should. I love her for being so forgiving, for always taking me back. I love her for that because we're so good together.

We're so good.

Almost perfect. Well, we're not perfect really. I screw up and say the wrong things and she gets pissed at me and we fight. It works though. Sometimes it annoys me and I hate to fight. I love fighting with her though. We fight good together, if that even makes sense. It probably doesn't. But I love her. More than anything. I can't stay away from her. I can't let her go. I can't lose our love. Therefore I gently knock on her door.

She'd not the one to answer. I probably look confused when Taylor opens the door. But I must also look really sorry because she's about to open her mouth and yell at me when she stops. She turns her head slightly, giving her friend a quick glance, before looking at me. She's silently telling me to not screw this up, I know it. Then she slips through the door, giving me her permission to enter. I know it's on my own risk though.

I don't see Summer on her bed, where I had imagined she'd be. I actually have to look around the room for a while before I spot her, sitting against her bed. She doesn't say anything and I wonder if she's noticed that I'm not Taylor.

"Why are you here, Seth?" Her voice takes me a little off guard and I flinch at the way she's calling me Seth. She's acting cold. I understand her though. This time, I'm not annoyed. I need to give her everything she needs.

I clear my throat and take a step closer to the bed, afraid to come too close to her yet. "I need to tell you something."

She doesn't say anything. I don't think she has the energy to start a fight. Or she doesn't care to. She's stopped trying. It's my turn now. The ball's in my court. Only I can un-break us up. If she will let me.

I take a deep breath and start to talk. I don't know what to tell her but the words still come. I do always have something to say. "Summer, I didn't get into Brown. I lied. Before, I lied, too. I hate myself for doing that, saying that I don't-" I have to stop and swallow because my voice is about to break and my throat is thick. I can't bear to say those words again. I need to continue though, no matter how hard I find it to be. I just hope she listens. "I love you, Summer. So much. I love you."

Should I tell her everything? Try to explain why I did it. I don't know. I don't know if she cares, or listens. But I try. "I didn't want you to give up on Brown. You told me that if I didn't get in you wouldn't go. And I couldn't let you do that. I couldn't let you miss out on Brown. It's such a great opportunity and you deserve to be able to go there. I am so proud of you, Summer. You got in to Brown! An Ivy League college. And you need to go. But I'm sorry I lied. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm just so sorry." I don't realize until now that I have a few tears on my cheeks. But I don't care. All I care about is the girl sitting on the floor. She's turned her face to the wall but other than that not moved or said anything.

I hear a sniffle though, and I don't care if I'm afraid. I sit down next to her on the floor, where Taylor probably has made her attempts to cheer Summer up before. I sit there and I carefully look at her. She's tense, I can see that through the way she's sitting. She's crying. Not able to bear another second more I lean a bit closer to her, pulling her small body against me. Her body is resistant and she keeps her face turned away from me. I know she's breaking though.

"I love you, Summer. I'm so sorry." I whisper those words into her hair, close to her ear and my voice breaks. I release a shaky breath into her hair as I hear her first sob. I wrap my arms around her and hold her close to me. Her arms go around my chest and she's gripping my shirt on my back. She cries against my neck and I cry into her hair.

"I am so mad at you." She tightens her grip of me as she mutters that sentence and there's nothing else I can do but also tighten my arms around her. I kiss the side of her head and mumble, "I know."

"You have to stop lying to me. It hurts too much."

"I know. I'm sorry." My heart is aching and I don't know what's going to happen but I feel like I can open up myself completely to her at this moment. I feel connected to her. Like even though the circumstances are crap and I have caused her so much pain, we love each other. And that's what matters. I cry into her hair, taking comfort in the smell of her but still feeling an incredible pain in my guts for what I have done to her again. "I'm sorry."

Maybe she understands, because she doesn't yell. She hugs me and kisses my neck and lean her head on my shoulder. But maybe she's just tired, tired of me lying to her and hurting her.

We sit like that for a while though.

Until Marissa interrupts us, walking into the room. Summer pulls away and quickly wipes away her tears. I do the same. I do not feel comfortable crying in front of just anyone. Even if I've witnessed Marissa crying multiple times.

"Oh, sorry, guys. I didn't think anyone was here." Marissa awkwardly speaks and it seems like things still are a little strained between the two best friends. I know that Marissa has been through a lot and lately been acting a little weird and rebellious. But I hate that she had to take it out on Summer. Summer always was a great friend to her. But then again, I've also hurt Summer. So it's not my right to get mad at Marissa. Even though I think that Summer deserves better.

Summer stands up, fixing her outfit. "It's okay, Coop."

"I just wanted to borrow your iron. I can't find mine."

I remain on the floor and hear Summer walk through the room, probably handing Marissa the iron. I hear Marissa quietly ask if Summer's okay.

"Yeah. Thanks."

"I'll be in my room."

As Marissa leave I'm feeling a bit nervous. Is Summer going to yell at me now, or throw me out? Was this the last time I got to be close to her?

I refuse to be a coward though, not anymore, and I hesitantly stand up. Summer is standing by the door leading to the bathroom, and she seems to be thinking. I contemplate on whether to wait for her to make a move or if I should say something first. I go with the latter and utter the question I'm actually very afraid to ask. "Can you forgive me?"

Summer looks up and our gazes meet. I try to read her, I try to make out what she's thinking. Sometimes I know her so well that I know what's on her minds. Not now though. I'm waiting while my heart beats heavily in my chest.

"I don't want to talk right now, Cohen," she finally says and I am a little disappointed but it also calms me. I understand if it's not easy to just forgive me. I just hope that she will try and give it some time. "Can we just lie down?"

She sits on her bed without waiting for me to say anything, and takes off her shoes. I sit down on the other side and take my shoes off as well before laying down onto the pillows. I'm glad she hasn't kicked me out yet. I'm glad that I can be close to her again.

As she turns around she actually looks a little happier, and I open my arms for her. She climbs onto the bed and lay down next to me, leaning up on her elbow. "Sometimes I don't know why I love you so much," she says with a smile before kissing me. I think most people would get hurt by those words, but I know Summer and I know that she means that she will forgive me even if I don't deserve it. Because we're just good together. So I smile against her lips and my heart skips a beat and I wrap my arms around her and pull her on top of me. I love Summer so much it's crazy.

**As you noticed I did change the ending of that episode, because it's just so sad. I need Seth and Summer together!**


End file.
